You are invited to The Ellis School's Parent Programs

What do you do with the mad that you feel?
Hedda Sharapan, Director of Early Childhood Initiatives at the Fred Rogers Company, will help parents understand how to help their children find healthy ways to manage their anger. Sharapan
fills her talks with stories from family life and classic video clips from Fred Rogers.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011 - 7:00 pm

Transition to kindergarten: is your child ready?
Is your child ready for kindergarten?  Join Michelle Figlar, Executive Director, Pittsburgh Association for the Education of Young Children, in this informative lecture and discussion.
Thursday, November 17, 2011 - 7:00 pm

How girls thrive
Dr. JoAnn Deak, noted author, consultant, speaker, and preventive psychologist will address how girls
interact today and why. Deak is the author of Girls Will Be Girls, How Girls Thrive, and Your Fantastic Elastic Brain.  She has been heralded for her ability to demystify complex issues of child
development, learning, identity formation, and brain research. (Note: This program is also appropriate for early childhood educators)
Wednesday, March 7, 2012 - 6:30 pm

For detailed information and registration for all programs, visit TheEllisSchool.org/grow.

Beautiful signs of life awaken the excitement at SPCNS

Over the last few weeks, the teachers and staff of the Nursery School have been preparing for the pitter-patter of little feet and the laughter of children in our hallways and classrooms.  As Mr. George cleaned out and conducted general maintenance to our playground, he made a beautiful discovery: There, under the mulch, was a family of newly born bunnies; five in all.  This was not only an exciting discovery for him, but for the rest of the church staff as well.  Peter Bodnar, Director of Communications for the church, snapped some pictures that we wanted to share with you.  We hope you enjoy them.

Family Happiness and the Overbooked Child

By ALINA TUGEND of the New York Times

Published: August 12, 2011

I LIVE in an area where most parents would rather cut back on indulgences for themselves than stop paying for their children’s activities.

Pat Gallagher/The Valdosta Daily Times, via Associated Press

Learning to play a musical instrument may bring a child lifelong joy, but don't count on it to reveal hidden genius.  Music lessons, gymnastics, horseback riding, tutoring, summer-long residential camps, sports teams — the list goes on and on. Often, so do the costs.

And even if the money is not there, some parents find a way. I know people who have borrowed from family, used home equity accounts and run up their credit cards to pay for all the stuff they believe their children just cannot miss. 

“The experiences we thought kids had to have before high school has moved down to junior high and now elementary,” said William Doherty, a professor of family studies and director of the marriage and family therapy program at the University of Minnesota. “Soon, we’ll be talking about leadership opportunities for toddlers.” 

To come clean, my children through the years have taken ice skating, tennis, violin and yes, even tae kwon do (of which the only residue now seems to be lots of colored belts around the house). Some lessons lasted a few months, some for years. 

And what is wrong with that? Maybe we know that some parents go overboard on extracurricular activities, but aren’t these important for their children’s future success? 

Somehow, not offering our children every possible opportunity “feels like bad parenting,” said Wendy Mogel, a clinical psychologist and author of “The Blessing of a B Minus,” (Scribner, 2010).

But in an effort to give their children everything, some parents end up not just depleting financial resources, but also their own emotional energy. 

“A lot of parents are exhausted by their own overparenting,” said Bryan Caplan, an economics professor at George Mason University. “They make so many sacrifices and are so stressed out by driving around so much that they explode at kids for changing the radio station.” 

But isn’t it worth it for the ultimate good of our children? Not necessarily. Some of the most interesting insights into this question come not from psychologists, but economists. 

“It’s easy to take a look at the more successful kids and assume that all the activities are why they are more successful,” Professor Caplan said. But research doesn’t bear that out. 

On a recent National Public Radio program, Steven D. Levitt, a professor of economics at the University of Chicago, said he and another economist could find no evidence that that sort of parental choices could be correlated at all with academic success. 

“And my guess is,” he went on, “that when it comes to the happiness of kids, that kind of cramming has got to be negatively correlated. Being rushed from one event to the other is just not the way most kids want to live their lives, at least not my kid.” Professor Levitt was also co-author of the New York Times blog Freakonomics. 

All right, the economists are largely talking about academic success. But I would wager that most parents believe these experiences are not just for good grades, or are the key to the right college, but are also for the opportunities they give children. 

Most parents know that an infinitesimal number of children will go on to be world class in any field. But maybe those pricey golf lessons will earn your son a place on the high school team. Or the acting classes will propel your daughter into the lead in the school play. 

And what parent doesn’t dream that piano lessons will instill a lifelong love of playing, even if it is only in the living room? 

The trouble is, many of us have bought into the idea that every child has a “hidden talent,” Professor Doherty said, and that we are failing our children if we don’t do everything possible to bring it to light.

There are certainly good reasons to offer our children some of these experiences, but there are more negative ones as well, if we rely on them to make us feel like good parents, or if we think that arming them with a myriad of skills can guarantee their later success in life. 

The desire to offer every conceivable opportunity is a “displaced fear about the collapse of the future,” Dr. Mogel said. 

The reality is that failing to give your child ballet lessons at age 6 probably has not deprived her of a career as a prima ballerina. 

And even if a child is passionate about something, that doesn’t mean you have to go all out, “if it’s to the detriment of the parent’s sanity or a connected family life,” Professor Doherty said.

Or to one’s finances. 

“Parents can say no to material things, but it’s very hard to do that for what we call opportunities,” said Barbara Dafoe Whitehead, director of the John Templeton Center for Thrift and Generosity at the nonprofit Institute for American Values. “Enrichment seems sacred and inviolable, and mentally we put those ideas in a different part of the head. 

“Kids have to understand there are limits to what a parent can do for them, but it’s very, very difficult to say, ‘I’m sorry, we can’t afford it,’ ” she added. 

My friend Rachel decided to stop private music lessons for her son and daughter after about two years.

“At first I felt like I was cheating them,” she said. “I felt very strongly that music was a part of their education and it wasn’t offered deeply enough at school.” 

But the price tag — around $1,000 a semester for each — was becoming too much of a burden. And her children were fine with it; they are continuing to play their instruments in school. 

“I gave them the opportunity to get the music bug and they didn’t,” Rachel said. “I have to have the confidence that it’s the right thing to do. And I’m almost glad we have to make these decisions based on finances. Otherwise, if you can give your kids everything, they’re left swimming in a pool of activities without necessarily any effort or desire for them.” 

That does not mean that some stimulating activities outside school are not important, but equally critical is a warm and well-connected family life, Professor Doherty said. 

“Sometimes for the sake of child and family balance, you have to say no to intensive activity,” he said. That can mean that if your child likes soccer, she can play on the recreational soccer team but not on the more time-consuming travel team, he added. 

And we have to move away from the idea that if we do not start children early, they will not reach their full potential. After all, we know the human brain doesn’t fully mature until around 25, Professor Doherty said. 

So why the rush? In some cases, it’s hard for children to join sports teams at 12 if every other child has been playing since, say, age 5. But many of us will pick up skills and, yes, even passions, well into our adult years that never manifested themselves when we were younger. 

The 24-year-old daughter of Dr. Mogel, the psychologist, is now a competitive roller derby skater and taking graduate studies in industrial labor relations. 

“If you had said she’d be involved in either of those things when she was younger, I would never have believed it,” Dr. Mogel said. “We have this idea that we have to capture passion because it’s so fleeting.” But it’s not. 

And if we do not cut back on all the intensive activity, we all may find ourselves seeking costly expertise in another area — the therapist’s office. 

E-mail: shortcuts@nytimes.com

A version of this article appeared in print on August 13, 2011, on page B7 of the New York edition with the headline: Family Happiness And the Overbooked Child.

Back to School Picnic

Please join us for our Annual Back to School Picnic!

Saturday September 10, 2011
5-7 p.m.
Shadyside Presbyterian Church Grassy Park

Pack a picnic dinner for your family and join new and returning families in celebrating the start of the new school year.  Dessert will be provided.

We did it!

Thank you for your support of our Natural Playscape project.  Your generosity aided us in reaching our matching goal of $10,000!  We expect that the ground-breaking will commence during the month of June, when our contractors will get busy adding on to the existing fence, pulling the existing plants to make room for the new design and pouring the cement for the trike path.  The last part of the project will include the placement of the wooden structures being built by Jason Boone from the Urban Tree Forge.

Opportunities to help withe purchase of new plants for our landscape are still available.  Please contact our school for more information.

Thanks again for all of your generous support!

We're well on our way!

It is looking like our Natural Playscape will become a reality this summer, in great part due to your generous support.  If you haven't yet had a chance to support this amazing project, this is a great time to do so.  Our picture is finally becoming complete!!!

Update on Playscape Challenge

Well, the challenge is on!!  We have done great with raising funds for the building of our Playscape.  Thanks to our supporters, we have met $6,000 of the $10,000 challenge.  This leaves us with $4,000 more to go.  Please do consider supporting this important project and help us to complete the picture...

Natural Playscape Matching Gift Challenge

A generous group of donors has presented us with a challenge: Raise $10,000 toward the Natural Playscape, and they will match it in full.  This is where you come in... Make a contribution, no matter how great or small, to our Playscape Fund and help us to reach this $10,000 goal.  Help us to put some color on the rest of this picture by sending in your contribution today! 

Contributions are fully tax deductible.
Checks can be made out to SPCNS with a note "Playscape Fund".
Mail your check to: SPCNS, 5121 Westminster Place, Pittsburgh, PA 15232

Thank you for helping us to make this dream a reality!

Help for Japan

Dear Families,

The multiple disasters in Japan have impacted people all around the world and many people feel compelled to contribute money to help alleviate the physical damage and human suffering that have ensued.  There are many agencies and organizations who are accepting donations and you may already have done so. 

We are writing to you to offer you three further suggestions for your contributions. The Nursery School is a part of the Shadyside Presbyterian Church, who has chosen to direct financial supports through the Presbyterian Disaster Assistance.  You may learn more about them and contribute this way on their web site:  http://gamc.pcusa.org/ministries/pda/who-we-are/

SPCNS also has a personal connection to Japan, as both Mrs. Suzie Hall and the Stout family (Soren Stout is currently in Mrs. Hall’s class) have relatives who are living and working as missionaries in Japan.  Mrs. Hall’s brother and Mari Stout’s parents and brothers are all well and working hard on relief efforts. 

If you would like to donate to the Stout family’s ministries, you may donate via PayPal through their website:  http://sunriseministries.tripod.com/id1.html

Mrs. Hall’s brother is working through the Maryknoll Missioners.  You can make a contribution to their efforts in Japan by following this link:

http://www.maryknollsociety.org/index.php/articles/2-articles/701-prayers-for-japan

We know that at times children will become concerned when hearing about disasters in our world through the news media and via casual conversations.  If you want to read some helpful information about how to communicate to young children about tragic events, please look for the article by Fred Rogers on our SPCNS blog:

http://spcns.blogspot.com/2011/03/fred-rogers-talks-about-tragic-events.html

We hope this information is helpful in discerning how you would like to help with this crisis.  Remember that prayer is also a powerful thing…

The SPCNS Staff

Some "Be"s of Positive Parenting

The following information was presented by Karin D. Shafer, M.Ed, Developmental/Behavioral Specialist at Achieva.

• Be the Parent (Don't be afraid)
• They will make friends; they can't make parents
• Be Positive - Praise your child for appropriate behaviors
• Catch them being "good"
• Be aware of what you are praising and Reinforcing
• Reinforcement, good and bad, is the "payoff" - what are they being "paid" for?
• Be clear
• Give clear directions and specific praises
• Be Concise
• Simple is better.  Get to the point faster and so will they
• Be Consistent
• The rules are the rules and "no" means "no."  Develop some specific family routines and there will be less stress for everyone
• Be a team player
• Share your strategies with your spouse, grandparents, and caregivers
• Be willing to get your child started
• Help your child with the task until they are able to do it independently.  Make a game of things, take turns, sing a song...
• Be willing to deal with the consequences you put out there
• If you don't follow through with what you say, how do you expect your child to follow through later?
• Be good to your word!!!
• Don't say it if you don't really mean it!
• Be strong
• Don't give in when you know you shouldn't
• Be a good role model by trying to stay calm
• Kids learn their stress and anger management skills by watching us!  YIKES!
• Be a little more organized
• A little more preparation can help you reduce a lot of stress!!
• Be willing to say you are sorry
• When you get out of control, hurt their feelings or make a mistake, apologize and they will learn to do the same
• Be willing to let kids work it out, but step in when your child is out of control
• Kids need to learn self-calming and social negotiation skills - we need to let them
• Be willing to give some control to your child
• Everyone wants to be in control, kids do too!
• A word to the wise parent: If it's not a choice, don't give them one.  Avoid asking children yes/no questions for things that need to be answered yes!!!
• Be willing to try the "so what?" test
• So pick your battles wisely.  Ask yourself "are the things that you argue about really worth it?"
• Be mindful of your child's tolerance for new and/or overly or under exciting things, people and situations
• Think ahead if you know you may have some trouble.  Talk to your child ahead of time.  Prepare them for the situation.  Talk them through as you are experiencing it.
• Be willing to let your child teach you
• Let your kids show you things, tell you things, and allow them to be silly when appropriate.  Let them help you see the joy in every day things that grown-ups take for granted.  They are really, really good a this.

Just a few more things:

• Basically, behaviors boil down to "triggers" and "payoffs", also known as "antecedents" (what happens before) and "consequences" (what happens after good or bad).  The behavior is what happens between those two things (The ABC's - Antecedent, Behavior, Consequence)
• It is often easier to prevent a behavior than to try to reshape it.  So, think ahead!
• Be careful what you are reinforcing.  When you are in the process of changing a behavior, things will most likely get worse before they get better.  Your child will eventually realize that what they did before isn't going to work anymore, so hang in there!  It will get better!
• Time out - it is time out from the positive reinforcement - typically what is triggering the behavior.  This allows the child to calm down, regroup and get their act together.  This works especially well for younger children who may be sitting there thinking about what they have done.