Some "Be"s of Positive Parenting

The following information was presented by Karin D. Shafer, M.Ed, Developmental/Behavioral Specialist at Achieva.

• Be the Parent (Don't be afraid)
• They will make friends; they can't make parents
• Be Positive - Praise your child for appropriate behaviors
• Catch them being "good"
• Be aware of what you are praising and Reinforcing
• Reinforcement, good and bad, is the "payoff" - what are they being "paid" for?
• Be clear
• Give clear directions and specific praises
• Be Concise
• Simple is better.  Get to the point faster and so will they
• Be Consistent
• The rules are the rules and "no" means "no."  Develop some specific family routines and there will be less stress for everyone
• Be a team player
• Share your strategies with your spouse, grandparents, and caregivers
• Be willing to get your child started
• Help your child with the task until they are able to do it independently.  Make a game of things, take turns, sing a song...
• Be willing to deal with the consequences you put out there
• If you don't follow through with what you say, how do you expect your child to follow through later?
• Be good to your word!!!
• Don't say it if you don't really mean it!
• Be strong
• Don't give in when you know you shouldn't
• Be a good role model by trying to stay calm
• Kids learn their stress and anger management skills by watching us!  YIKES!
• Be a little more organized
• A little more preparation can help you reduce a lot of stress!!
• Be willing to say you are sorry
• When you get out of control, hurt their feelings or make a mistake, apologize and they will learn to do the same
• Be willing to let kids work it out, but step in when your child is out of control
• Kids need to learn self-calming and social negotiation skills - we need to let them
• Be willing to give some control to your child
• Everyone wants to be in control, kids do too!
• A word to the wise parent: If it's not a choice, don't give them one.  Avoid asking children yes/no questions for things that need to be answered yes!!!
• Be willing to try the "so what?" test
• So pick your battles wisely.  Ask yourself "are the things that you argue about really worth it?"
• Be mindful of your child's tolerance for new and/or overly or under exciting things, people and situations
• Think ahead if you know you may have some trouble.  Talk to your child ahead of time.  Prepare them for the situation.  Talk them through as you are experiencing it.
• Be willing to let your child teach you
• Let your kids show you things, tell you things, and allow them to be silly when appropriate.  Let them help you see the joy in every day things that grown-ups take for granted.  They are really, really good a this.

Just a few more things:

• Basically, behaviors boil down to "triggers" and "payoffs", also known as "antecedents" (what happens before) and "consequences" (what happens after good or bad).  The behavior is what happens between those two things (The ABC's - Antecedent, Behavior, Consequence)
• It is often easier to prevent a behavior than to try to reshape it.  So, think ahead!
• Be careful what you are reinforcing.  When you are in the process of changing a behavior, things will most likely get worse before they get better.  Your child will eventually realize that what they did before isn't going to work anymore, so hang in there!  It will get better!
• Time out - it is time out from the positive reinforcement - typically what is triggering the behavior.  This allows the child to calm down, regroup and get their act together.  This works especially well for younger children who may be sitting there thinking about what they have done.